Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
