I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
