for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
