My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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