I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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