I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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