Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
