Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
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I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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