I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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