i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
