I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
