'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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