my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
