i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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