Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
