it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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