ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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