I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
