Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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