Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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