I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
