No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
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Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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