I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
