Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
