I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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