I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
