I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
PANTIES FOUND
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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