Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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