i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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