Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
