i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
