Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
