why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
