I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
