I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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