So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
