He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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