also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
