A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just found a bag of teeth...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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