if i can run in heels then i can drive
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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