ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
