You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
