the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
