Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
