I want to have your abortion
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
