You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
