He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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