I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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