At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
