Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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