Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just invented taco cereal.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
