I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize