I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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