When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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