My brain says no but my pants say off.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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