He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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