i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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