I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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