I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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