I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
